No Answer

I have no answer for the first time in my life. No convenient lie to tell myself. I have nothing to hide from. No story to tell. But what is it that I feel? I do not know. Am I holding on or letting go? Sometimes I think I'm no good. All the lies I live get me nowhere on the inside. I just can't close it off, shut it down. It was all I had to look forward to, all I believed in (in my own weird way). No it's all different now, and I have no control.