This is my letter to you,
I wish I had another moment to tell you how much I love you. If I had that moment I would take you to the park and eat pickles and laugh. I would spend my time holding your hand, and memorize your smile. I remember your laugh so well.
I wish I could have been there for you in your time of need. I'd tell you it's ok to let go for a while and lean on my shoulder.
I want to watch a movie with you, see a dance or talk about a book.
I want you to read our peoms or look at our drawings. I can remember everything I felt when we did those together. Just looking at them makes me wonder what happened? How did we close each other off?
I thought this year would be great for our relationship. You would move out on your own, I would too. We could be our own people and not let anything get in the way of how we wanted to be. The night you left me I was coming over to tell you I knew things were bad, but I wanted to work on it together. It broke my heart to see you alone and I felt I could not do anything for you. I let it go and walked away that night because I respect your opinion and feelings so much. But the one thing I regret now is walking away and not voicing how I felt. I let you walk out of my life.
I can appreciate the irony of this situation, reading some of your letters you never gave me when we broke up 2 years ago, I feel many of the same feelings now you did then. I wonder if you know you gave those to me that night? They feel like I could write them now.
I know I cannot make everything better for you, I cannot always make you smile. But I knew when I met you years ago that you were part of me. I always thought of us as a perfect team, in love and best friends all at the same time. I never really cared what other people thought about our relationship, I was OK with it being whatever we created.
I have spent months trying to forget you. I've heard all the bad advice from people that I can handle. I've waited and waited for it to go away. When it comes down to it I just miss you. It kills me to make idle chatter with you now. I wonder if that's obvious to you? So badly do I want to talk about what happened and how you feel. But I cannot, mostly because I'm afraid you will feel nothing, tell me you've moved on and tell me to move on too.
Do you know when you were Sweetheart I had to go outside to cry? I didn't want to make you feel bad during your moment. You asked me where I was that night and I lied and said I was in the bathroom. I really didn't think I could come back inside. It all felt so wrong, like I was in a another place looking in on you.
I know I cannot make you love me. I know for a fact that it is not the situation of a comfortable relationship I miss. I know it is my best friend, the girl from Canfield I met in Florida, the dancer, the poet, boopie, sucre, the girl that can laugh through an entire movie that I miss. I miss the taste of your kiss. I miss your cute toes. I miss making love with you.
I go through old memories and cry. I know that the past does not save today, I know that we were young then. I know there were times when we should have been better to each other. I know I could be a better man.
I want to call you and ask how your day is going. I want you to ask how I'm doing. I miss talking with you. I know I took for granted loving you.
I don't know if I can ever send you this letter, but it's been eight months in the making. It's just they way I feel in my heart. I don't know how you will feel reading it or if you ever will. I know you have had a bad year and this decision was not easy for you. Maybe it's just my sadness in knowing your beauty will not be a part of my life. I just know it's killing me not getting this off of my chest.
If I had one more moment with you I would hold you and not let go. I would tell you that I love you every day.
